Sunday, September 7, 2008

Two Visitors From Horse Hades

The woman was complaining today about the lushness of our pasture, our expanding collective girth and how she would love to have a fussy eater for a change. As Doc says "same old, same old". She has been mulling over the idea of borrowing some cattle to graze it down. I sincerely hope she doesn't follow through on this new lunatic scheme - I find cattle quite alarming. They can't hold a sensible conversation and I find their demeanor dimwitted and oafish.

One summer she invited two large, pregnant racing QH ladies to live in the front paddock and though their visit only lasted one night, it left us all emotionally scarred. On seeing them the male human christened them "The Vegas Show Girls" because apparently they reminded him of six foot tall human females with plumes on their heads and four inch heels on their shoes. They suddenly appeared in an oversized metal box and the ground trembled when their enormous bulk hit the ground. They looked like Doc but about twice as tall. They stomped down the lane to the front part of the paddock, which had been sectioned off with electric wire. They gallumphed around the paddock for awhile and then spotted the barn. They sailed through the electric fence, dragging posts with them and sending insulators flying in all directions. They completely ignored the resulting shock.

Doc was delighted. He galloped toward them, muscles rippling, tail flying. His idea was to introduce himself and then inform them they were now under his care and leadership. They found this highly amusing and, peering at him from their lofty elevation, pummeled him soundly. He retreated to the corner, shocked and humiliated. The two visiting ladies were put in the barn where they looked like very large dogs in a very small dog house. They loved it and declared a strong wish to stay there till their offspring arrived. The humans reconstructed the electric fence and the two visitors were reluctantly dragged from the barn and reinserted in the front paddock. They made a bee line for the fence and casually demolished it once again. The humans gave up and decided we could all be in together.

I had been observing all this from a distance and felt it was time to introduce myself and make a short speech welcoming them. I made my way slowly and carefully across the paddock and stopped a few feet from them. I cleared my throat and was about to address them when they snorted and whirled around. They came at me like two of the three witches in Macbeth, snarling, teeth snapping and dinner-plate sized feet flying in all directions. I have never seen such a display of sheer savagery and ill manners. Show girls forsooth! More like demonically possessed harridans from hades. I drew myself up to my full height and stalked away in a marked manner. They later approached, all apologies and smarmy false flattery, but for the rest of their stay I resolutely refused to acknowledge their existence. It drove them to distraction.

When we went in our barn that evening, the large visitors were highly annoyed. Having sussed out the place, they felt they should live in there and we should fend for ourselves. The larger one even pushed up the tack room window and inserted her enormous head. She looked like a disembodied moose. They circled the barn all night, rattling the doors and trying to open the latches. It was a very long night under seige. When morning came it revealed many sections of fence that had been demolished by their large yellow teeth. All the barn windows had revolting smears on them and the door hardware had been twisted into new and interesting shapes.

Their metal box reappeared and they jumped in, nearly flattening the tires. The woman and I heaved a sigh of relief but can you believe it, Doc carried on like a love-lorne schoolboy. He said they were his dream girls and his heart was broken. I reminded him of this when Annie was visiting recently and he said "What dream girls?" . Doc loves deeply but fortunately it never lasts.

8 comments:

billie said...

Oh, Sheaffer, you are a born storyteller and have made my chaotic day disappear for a few minutes.

We are also on the same wavelength, the woman and I, as I just posted about wishing I had cattle to graze ahead of the horses so we would not have to use - oh dear, dare I say it - the terrible torturous device called the Best Friend Grazing Muzzle on our pony.

He stands looking tormented and pitiful when we put it on him.

Why is it that the easy keepers are so hard to manage?

Anyway, my day has been crazy and I needed a break. I am still laughing at Doc's response.

The woman seems to keep new adventures on the horizons for you all the time. I will be eager to hear about the cattle if she finds some!

Production Fenceworks said...

What beautiful boys!

Dougie Donk said...

There are cattle 2 fields away from us & I think they seem like nasty, uncouth beasts who lumber all over the place. They also fail to make tidy mounds of droppings like we equines do.

I think you should instruct your woman that sheep are far tidier in their habits & much more inclined to eat the parts of grazing that we do not care for - a perfect symbiotic partner! The baby sheet are also rather entertaining to weatch :))

ponymaid said...

billie - we are all relieved to hear Rafer is being such a good and sensible patient. I would rather wear sackcloth and ashes (actually, I DO wear ashes whenever she has a fire) than that infernal anti-grazing device. If one more person calls me Hannibal Lechter, I'm leaving for good.

production fenceworks - may we call you pf?- thank you for your very kind comment. You much be the companion of a donkey yourself? You certainly posess all the right qualifications.

dougie - I think I prefer your sheep idea, though I've never actually met one. Goliath at the PrimRose Sanctuary has his own sheep and he takes great good care of them. He's very much the brains of the group, sheep being on the non-intellectual side.

billie said...

Sheaffer! The wonderful goods arrived today!

Please come over and see the most adorable photo of Rafer Johnson paying homage to YOU. :)

I have also put a link to the blog here so folks can shop Sheaffer-wear to help donkey rescue.

The items are gorgeous - what a treat!

robert5721 said...

Sheaffer,
I just got my excellence confuses you Mousepad, and it is EXCELLENT, as are the note cards!! I still await my poster of Mr Jack for Liebbie....should be here in a day or so!! The mousepad is great, it is thick and sticky so it does not slide all over the desk like my old one did, and it is washable,,,,I am very impressed....Thank you a bunch....
Mr Gale

ponymaid said...

billie, I was delightfully surprised when we accessed your photos and I saw myself gazing out at the alert young Rafer and in the other photo at the handsome Keil Bay. I'm very flattered to find myself hanging in Rafer's art collection. Thank you for helping out the donkeys at PrimRose - they are most appreciative. By the way, Rafer's quarters look quite inviting - there's certainly room for Redford when he moves in. Could you please post the blog address in a comment so our extended donkey community can admire Rafer and Keil Bay? Thank you!

Mr. Gale, I'm so glad to hear your mousepad problems have been solved. I want the woman to show me one but she says I'd just shred it. She's very hasty to judge. The notecards are my first choice because they hark back to an era when people sat down and wrote thoughtful things with fountain pens. I can picture you at your writing table, pen and blotting paper at hand. How I wish I had thumbs.

billie said...

Sheaffer, here is the blog address where Rafer Johnson is often featured:

camera-obscura-billie.blogspot.com

At this point anyone who visits will need to scroll down to see the wonderful Sheaffer poster in Rafer's stall.

The animals I live with will not stop doing amazing things, so in only a few days' time they have managed to fill up more blog posts with new tales.