Friday, September 18, 2009

A Pleasant Walk Ends In A Personal Assault

We have broken some sort of weather record for days without rain - and a good thing after the water-logged days of summer. The pears and apples have ripened and the crows are reeling around drunkenly on the lawn, brawling and screaming avian obsceneties at each other.

Jack and I have been doing some extremely pleasant walking of the humans in this autumnal landscape, self making sure to avoid even eye contact with puffballs. I also hold my breath in their vicinity in case a spore should try to lodge in or on my person. In short, it's the seasonal gift from mother nature before we are viciously assaulted by winter.

There are many ancient apple trees in the hedgerows on our farm, with apples species from long ago. We wander from tree to tree, sampling and comparing notes, like two vintners on a stroll. Jack cannot manage a whole apple so the woman bites off small pieces and hands them to him. I know - utterly revolting but he seems not to mind.

We returned from one of these excursions and were enjoying the evening routine of dinner, grooming etc. when the woman noticed my bed was a tad on the thin side. Well. You know how I feel about shavings bags. They share the top of the list with puffballs when it comes to things that terrify me. So what does she do? Marches in with a bag of shavings and begins to shake them out. I was plastered against the back wall when she suddenly squawked and threw herself on top of me!

I sprang into action, piaffing on the spot and trying to rid myself of the crushing weight. We formed a tangle of limbs, scrambling to free ourselves of each other. "Sheaffer, stand still for heaven's sake!" she gasped. We finally fell into seperate heaps on the floor. She SAYS she caught her toe on the edge of the mat, which caused her to be propelled directly onto my person. I say it was a savage and unprovoked attack. For what reason, I cannot fathom, but I do know she is mentally unhinged.

Jack watched all of this while steadily inhaling his gruel and when it was over said, "Lissen Tornado, kin you and the Rodeo Queen take it outside nex time?" No sympathy there. That's what happens after living in the cold, cruel world for over four decades.


BumbleVee said...

we're having the same amazing weather over here in the west Sheaffer..... I love it...we'll be shoveling you know what before too long and that's soon enough....the longer this goes on the better I like it, just as you do. Ahhhhh...that sun feels sooooo good....

Buddy said...

Hay Sheaffer - I remember the stories of the drunken birds from last year - has it been that long we have been frens? Wow - how times flies. Now you and Jack were tasting these fruits that make the birds drunk and you and Jack are feeling ok? I would be careful if I was you - I hear that hangovers are deadly.

So your woman loves you and through herself on you for some love - some hugs and smooches? I'm sure that is what that attack was all about - harmless. My mom throws herself on me all the time for a hug and a smooch - I think she has been eating those fruits the birds have when she does - but I just stand there and let her get it out of her system. Our caretakers are a little nuts - no doubt.

Your Fren,

billie said...

Sheaffer, Jack cracks me up. We are all jealous of your forays as vintners - my goodness, what a way to spend autumn!!

I'm sorry the woman landed on you - use this invasion of your personal space to your advantage. Surely treats are in order after such a thing!

The big drama here today was that two donkeys who shall remain nameless removed the solar powered fence charger from its post, disconnected it from the fence, and were by all reports planning a neighborhood escapade tonight while turned out.

Alas, my hawk eyes zeroed in and thwarted the plan.

For all I know they were headed up your way to become junior vintners!

Dougie Donk said...

The pleasant seasonable weather has also made it's way to Scotland, so we are enjoying the days of sunshine on our backs.

I am envious of your being able to self-select apples! I only get a few pieces in my evening meal, as the woman says she is "watching my waistline"! I have in mind a saying about people in glass houses....

ponymaid said...

BumbleVee - as Canadians we know we will pay for this good weather dearly at a later date. The woman says I'm a "glass is half empty with a hole in the bottom" sort of donkey. I call myself a realist. Meanwhile, Jack and I are baking ourselves every waking minute.

Buddy, we have been firm friends for a long while now. I hadn't thought of the intoxicating effect of the ripe fruit - come to think of it, I felt unusually jovial afterwards... I'm still pondering your interpretation of the woman's assault on me - I think I would prefer the more ortodox hands-on of your woman. No sudden shocks in her approach.

Billie, I am sorry to say no extra treats were forthcoming. She even limits the number of apples I may pick. I am pleased to hear Team R&R have expanded their interest in things electrical. Having studied their open and innocent visages, do you truly think they would try to escape? Surely their activities were purely scientific and not criminal...

Oh Dougie, I know about the glass houses! Herself lives in a veritable dome. Why must they keep such a close eye on OUR waistlines - surely some of that intense interest could be directed toward their own persons?

robert5721 said...

I notice that you are picking the fruits off of the tree in the pictures, which is a good thing. It;s them ones on the ground that have had the time to ferment for awhile and produce the intoxicating alcohol stuff. I had a cow that got under some apple trees years ago, and she got really crocked.. we ended up having to push her back to the barn because she could hardly walk.. it was hilarious, other than me beating trash can lids together the next morning to show her how BAD a hangover can be.. still did not stop her from trying to get back under those trees though!!
I also agree with you about the motivations for the unwarrented attack on your person .... The NERVE !!
Mr Gale

ponymaid said...

Mr. Gale, inebriated bovines? That's quite frightening. I do like the touch with the trash can lids - sort of like what Jack calls a "come to Jesus meetin", except the cow seemed to lose her motivation once she sobered up. I will stay away from the fruit on the ground, though Jack says he'd like to try some. He says it would take a lot to get him "loaded" and I believe he's right.

robert5721 said...

if ya only eats two or three (or four) you don;t get too crocked, and then maybe you and Jack can have a REAL RASSLIN match....I guarontee, you won;t feel a thing, till the next day, that is!!
you guys enjoy !!