Sunday, January 20, 2008

Bad News...And Good News

I hardly know how to describe the bad news. It has to do with Molly and something called her "cycle". This is a state of insanity into which she lapses every month or so when the days grow longer. Frankly, it turns her into a depraved, debauched trollope. She suddenly begins batting her eyelashes at Doc, who isn't the least bit interested, and as the madness sweeps over her, she begins spraying mare pee at him while squealing loudly and backing into him at high speed. Doc HATES being dirty and the idea that he or his blanket are at risk of a stinky soaking sends him round the bend. He bellows, bites her substantial backside and chases her - which she unfortunately takes to mean that he is love-stricken. And on it goes for days at a time...

As an innocent bystander, I have often been caught in the overspray and in fact spent part of last summer with my face and head looking like they had been coated with glue. It leads my visitors to approach, extend their hand, and on touching my person, to reel back making gagging noises. The woman tries to clean my face with damp towels but the odour linges on till the next nightmare "cycle". Yet another cross I must bear.

The good news is that my Uncle Keith and family visited yesterday, and as he's a professor of American History, he was able to give me some guidance on the political front. He suggests I bear a strong resemblance to a rather full-figured president called Taft. I plan to emulate this Taft person, on the assumption that anyone with that sort of girth knows the advantages of a calorie-rich diet. I'm quite sure Dicey will agree. On being offered the Chair of Law at Yale University, Taft said, "You'd better make it the SOFA of Law". Can't go wrong following in those footsteps.

TJ saw Doc breaking the ice on the water trough with his hoof and of course had to try it for himself - except he climbs up so all four feet are on the surface. With the arctic air that is sweeping over us the ice is now too thick to break and the woman is carrying warm water to us. Regardless, TJ persists in hammering away, making no headway except for a blizzard of ice chips. I live in hope of a sudden thaw, whereupon he will disappear with a crash and I will pretend not to hear the glubbing noises or see the bubbles rising to the top.

7 comments:

Uncle Ed said...

Sheaffer,
This arctic blast of air must have frozen TJ's brain! Talk to the woman and see if she can install a water heater in your drinking water. Wait until TJ goes on the ice and then turn it on and stand back and watch.

I am looking into getting the bus licence so that I may drive that bus for you. I assume it is not much more difficult to get than a truck licence.

Uncle Ed

completecare said...

Uncle Ed you are evil. Poor TJ - you know he is some mother's son!!!!

Willy's mom Bert (aka Roberta)

Kristi said...

Sheaffer, you my friend are our hero! May we introduce ourselves...fanfare please... I am Luc the white-faced one who may I add never ever gets into any trouble. My buddy is Liberty who does it and I take the blame.. just like any good friend would. You can visit us at www.teamdonk.org Our web mistress just added you to our favorite blog links, hope ya don't mind! PS ya have our votes for Pres... We think you would have a kick ass good time in Washington DC. Your friends, Luc n Liberty... PS it is cold and snowy here too! So suck it up big guy! We donks rule, ya know!

ponymaid said...

The ranks of the Donkey Movement continue to grow! Luc and Liberty have joined us and I must admit I had never dreamt that a donkey could be so magnificently large. You lads are obviously Renaissance donkeys in that you excel at everything you undertake. The woman and I very much enjoyed your website - it's an inspiration to us all. Luc, I feel your pain. I'm constantly being blamed for things that are mule-generated. Some of us were just born to be martyrs.

Uncle Ed - that is an admirable plan - do you think it might work even better if we got him to chew on the heater cord while he's standing on the water trough? Re: the bus licence - don't worry, my Chicago connections will arrange all that.

Uncle Ed said...

Sheaffer,
I think we have a rouge donkey amongst us. Bert is starting to say crazy things. Poor TJ indeed! Hopefully it is just the cold that has taken over her senses. I will have a talk with Willy and ask him to keep an eye on the poor dear.

Telling TJ to chew on the cord may work against you my lad. Think this one through. If he chews on the cord and gets a shock the woman A) may try to come to his rescue and shock herself and then who would be there to give you the attention that you so richly deserve.
B) may give TJ all the attention while he is recooping leaving you out in the cold so to speak.
My earlier suggestion with a twist may work out better for you. Once the water starts to melt, unplug the heater until the water refreezes leaving TJ stuck in the ice. This will keep him out of your hair for a good afternoon.

Uncle Ed

ponymaid said...

Uncle Ed, you are quite correct. TJ has no mother - he is obviously the spawn of the devil. Hmmm, maybe an exorcist to work him over...? No - that won't work, the exorcist would demand danger pay.

I like the idea of TJ being locked in the ice till spring. I'm very handy with cords myself and can arrange for this to happen without the woman noticing - at least until he starts making an ungodly racket with what passes for his voice.

Gale said...

Sheaffer, I hardly know where to begin! Cavalier, our young gelding, lives with 9 jennets, so he’s just learning about this type of insanity. So far he has survived unscathed and, as yet, unbathed. He and Folly are now “going steady” and the two are always together. Yesterday, while outside taking photographs, I noticed that Folly was sniping at everyone, including Cavalier, so maybe she is having a bout of “spring fever.” Such is life being the only male amidst so many moody females, just the opposite of your Molly.

Mule see, mule do. At least while TJ is occupied with breaking ice, he cannot pester you, so consider this a blessing. Please, no more talk of “glubbing noises” or “bubbles rising.” I know even you would be distraught if TJ were to fall through the ice.

Hooray for attracting new readers to your blog, Sheaffer! Word of mouth is a powerful thing. As word spreads among donkeys and donkey lovers everywhere, you are off to a great start in your political career.