Sunday, January 13, 2008

A Cunning Plan Goes Horribly Wrong

I have given deep thought to the plan proposed by Mr. Gale, one of my correspondents and tactical advisors. He suggested I gallop at high speed toward a closed door or wall, leaping sideways at the last minute so that the pursing, pestilent mule would find himself a flattened version of his former self.

An opportunity to test this stategy arose today; he was, as usual, chasing me while hurling abuse and insults in my direction. We galloped at high speed toward the large door of the run-in, which is really just an open archway. My plan was to bound sideways so that he would continue on and collide with the wall at the other end of the run-in. The plan was unfolding beautifully when we hit the one remaining patch of ice in the entire county, right in front of the doorway. My feet began describing rapid circles as I tried to brake and maintain my footing. TJ was, of course, oblivious to the situation and without pausing he collided violently with my hindquarters. We catapaulted into the middle of the run-in in a tangle of thrashing, flailing limbs. The idiot managed to land on top of me, breaking his fall and knocking every molecule of air out of my lungs.

The woman, who was tidying our hay storage area, expressed immediate concern for my well-being but I noticed a suspicious shaking of her shoulders and she appeared to be trying to stifle some highly inapppropriate laughter. The idiot mule said "Whoa, Grampaw, do it again, do it again!" Pahhh. I can't decide if he's more insolent or arrogant.

The woman said she felt sorry for me (how she prevaricates) and took me for a walk down our farm lane and around the loop. It restored my equanimity so successfully that on the way home I did some airs above the ground and threw in a few martial arts kicks at some shrubbery. TJ was extremely jealous, so that made it even more satisfying.

9 comments:

robert5721 said...

Shaeffer, it seems that the way it happened this time, TJ has not figured out the plan yet, so next time be a bit more careful of footing, and wait till you are 2 feet from the wall before you turn.
All of the donkeys at Olde Towne Farm want to have you run for president. Anyone who can stand off a fish head should be great at foriegn policy, and the way you masterfully handle the infamous TJ shows that you can negotiate with the fiercest of enemies. The fact that one of the "political parties" happens to use one of your relatives as a mascot gives you LOTS of free PR time, and you are WAY SMARTER than ANY of the candidates so far!! Dicey is heading up a campaign committee for you, so what do YOU think of this GREAT IDEA ??
Mr Gale

Gale said...

My poor Sheaffer, I do hope you are not suffering aches and pains from the recent collision with TJ. Aside from that, I also confess that my shoulders were shaking a bit when I read your post. Sorry about that.

Yay for the martial arts kicks! I am sending your woman a link to a Youtube donkey video ("Bubba The Donkey") that demonstrates some highly refined one-legged kicks (my very favorite donkey move). I'm sure you have perfected this one. Check out the rearing action, something you might also find useful when dealing with TJ.

Do you think there's any possibility that you might have been having a little bit of fun during the chase?

I do agree with Mr. Gale that you should consider running for office.

Tell TJ that if he manages to pass Halter & Lead Training 101, that you might consider letting him accompany you on a future walk and then you can show him how to properly discipline the shrubbery.

Anne said...

Hi Shaeffer, Smokey here. My lady has been sunning herself on the beaches of Cuba... In the meantime her mother and father came to look after the herd. Myself, I insisted right from day one that I was not getting enough food and that she immediatley increase the rations by at elast double. This only worked with the carrots but at least I persisted everyday. One good thing is there are only 4 standardbreds here to compete with. Five of them left at the beginning of the month and this means Tucker, Mocha and I were moved back home from the neighbours. That is a good thing, as we love our own stalls!
TJ's actions show how young and inexperienced he is... You would have succeeded in your mission had there not been ice. Remember the moves I did at your other farm, crashing into barn walls... those are done only by experts like myself!! I have been practising many new moves as well... did you know you can toss a passenger over your head with a strategic stumble! This always promotes better relations with your handler.
Well I am truly happy the snow is back. I for one really love it. I can toss balls at Tucker and get Mocha to make angry faces at both of us. What a laugh. I expect that I will be out by the end of the week for some more forest exploring. It is really enjoyable to gallop in the fresh snow and try to race the snowmachines! My lady thinks otherwise of course.
So buck up little buddy and keep practising your kung fu moves.
Smokey

montanasmama said...

Bummer Sheaffer, The best laid plans and all that! snigger

robert5721 said...

Sheaffer, I am on your side, TJ is MOST CERTAINLY A TERRORIST, and must be handled in that light. Donkeys should not be forced to deal with this sort of thing on a daily basis. Him threatening to steal your fud is the least of it all. When you become PRESIDENT, you can assign him to liaison to the French Foreign Legion.... he will LOVE that because he will be in control of something, (not much, but don't tell HIM that....) and it will keep him busy and out of your space.
Mr Gale
Advisor DRMD Sheaffer For President Committee

montanasmama said...

Mr Gale, gee I thought you would want the tunaman to be President? He is big enough to protect Sheaffer!

Steal his fud? Have you been spending time on Icanhascheezburger.com?

robert5721 said...

My Dear, The tuna man is slated as secretary of agriculture, (FOOD), chairman of the joint chiefs of staff, and secretary of war, as well as vice president (if he wants all of them). Dicey and Liebbie will be joint heads of the secretary of state orifice. Others have not been totally decided yet.
Mr Gale
Advisor DRMD Sheaffer For President Committee

montanasmama said...

Mr Gale,
Secretary of FOOD sounds about right for the old man! Montana's barn is now the Jenny Craig barn. The only svelt one of the bunch is little Frosty, Faith's mum, who is now on gruel since she had the last 9 of her back teeth pulled a few weeks ago.

ponymaid said...

TJ is most certainly a terroist in a junior capacity. However, montanasmama has mentioned the most powerful terrorist of all, and yes, she dwells in our midst. Her name is Jenny Craig. She is undermining the nation by operating a clever and cruel empire that restricts caloric intake, thus simultaneously weakening "participants" and depriving them of their money. I will have her banished to the far north where she will be forced to subsist on a diet of fatty walrus meat. All this talk of dieting has made me feel quite faint. I need a snack to clear my thoughts.