Pseudonyms, Nicknames and Alter Egos

We've been having the sort of heat and humidity that causes the woman to muse about planting cotton every year at this time. She's a permanent beet red colour and as damp as the Okefenokee swamp. The biting flies take this temperature as an invitation to breed in vast quantities and we equines are beset day and night.

Jack and I were relaxing under the trees and got to discussing all the things we are called, some quite acceptable, some slanderous. Gale and Mr. Gale have christened Jack Mr. Jack because of his extreme age and dignified acceptance of all life has thrown at him. The woman sometimes calls him Jack Black because that's the colour of his coat that is coming in. He was shockingly referred to as Jack the Stripper when he rubbed his halter off and he's been known to launch a Jack Attack on his food bowl.

I like being called His Sheafferness, but don't appreciate His Rotundity. My oldest friends call me Sheaff or The Sheaff, but The Picnic Table With Legs is frowned upon. The male human sometimes calls me Herr Doktor Sheaffer because he says I approach the study of things in a highly scientific manner. I detest being called The Hindenberg.

Doc has many nicknames but his favourite is The Doc-inator. He's been known as The Red Terror, Doc The Blockhead, The Enforcer and Docyou&^$#%**#^%. His very old friends call him Dockers but he's a bit embarrassed by that name because it harkens back to his colthood. His barn name is often Fartacus, because he emits a series of powerful blasts on his way into his room and the woman frantically waves her hands in the air in a feeble attempt to disperse the miasma.

Molly is affectionately know as Droolia because anything treat-like causes her salivary glands to spring into action and a flood of green drool begins dripping from her rubbery lips. Because of her trollopy ways, she is also know as Moll Flanders, The Pony Tart, and sometimes The Golden Garberator. To quote Alexander McCall Smith, she is "a lady of traditional build", which means she is as a square as a log cabin and as strong as Babe the blue ox. As a result she is sometimes referred as Molly The Architectural Marvel.

The woman is simply the woman, though we sometimes refer to her as "herself" when she is being particularly annoying. "She Who Must Be Obeyed" suits her perfectly but has already been claimed by Rumpole of The Bailey to refer to Mrs. Rumpole. Too bad.