A Pleasant Walk Ends In A Personal Assault

We have broken some sort of weather record for days without rain - and a good thing after the water-logged days of summer. The pears and apples have ripened and the crows are reeling around drunkenly on the lawn, brawling and screaming avian obsceneties at each other.

Jack and I have been doing some extremely pleasant walking of the humans in this autumnal landscape, self making sure to avoid even eye contact with puffballs. I also hold my breath in their vicinity in case a spore should try to lodge in or on my person. In short, it's the seasonal gift from mother nature before we are viciously assaulted by winter.

There are many ancient apple trees in the hedgerows on our farm, with apples species from long ago. We wander from tree to tree, sampling and comparing notes, like two vintners on a stroll. Jack cannot manage a whole apple so the woman bites off small pieces and hands them to him. I know - utterly revolting but he seems not to mind.

We returned from one of these excursions and were enjoying the evening routine of dinner, grooming etc. when the woman noticed my bed was a tad on the thin side. Well. You know how I feel about shavings bags. They share the top of the list with puffballs when it comes to things that terrify me. So what does she do? Marches in with a bag of shavings and begins to shake them out. I was plastered against the back wall when she suddenly squawked and threw herself on top of me!

I sprang into action, piaffing on the spot and trying to rid myself of the crushing weight. We formed a tangle of limbs, scrambling to free ourselves of each other. "Sheaffer, stand still for heaven's sake!" she gasped. We finally fell into seperate heaps on the floor. She SAYS she caught her toe on the edge of the mat, which caused her to be propelled directly onto my person. I say it was a savage and unprovoked attack. For what reason, I cannot fathom, but I do know she is mentally unhinged.

Jack watched all of this while steadily inhaling his gruel and when it was over said, "Lissen Tornado, kin you and the Rodeo Queen take it outside nex time?" No sympathy there. That's what happens after living in the cold, cruel world for over four decades.