Yesterday while the woman was serving us breakfast, the dog was very busy with something on the lawn. As the woman made her way toward the house we heard her say "What the...oh no! Drop it, drop it, ewwwww!" The dog looked guilty and tried to hide the fact she had bloody fur sticking to the corners of her mouth. Whenever the dog is guilty, she actually smiles in a feeble attempt to ingratiate herself - the effect this time was positively macabre.
It was indeed my nervous friend - I think. Mind you he has a large extended family who all look the same, so maybe he will return. Something had murdered him during the night and the crows had dropped his remains on the lawn. By the time the dog found him, he was a shadow of his former self. As soon as the woman and dog went in the house, the crows retreived their prize and took it up in a tree to discuss ownership. An avian brawl broke out, with crows screaming and shoving and bits of rabbit falling to the ground. TJ of course had to rush over and paw and snort at the fallout, exclaiming "This here rabbut is ded." He has a genius for stating the obvious.
Doc and TJ spend hours wrestling or "rasslin" as they call it. TJ has his halter on for now so he can be caught more easily and Doc uses it to pick him up and shake him like a towel. Unfortunately TJ is easily overstimulated and becomes crazed with excitement. When Doc finally releases him, he disappears with a muffled thud under the snow but emerges, troll-like, and attacks Doc's lower legs with great glee. I try to stay hidden, but if he discovers me, he hurls himself upon me, trying out various illegal and painful wrestling holds (none of which have ever been seen in true sporting competition).
TJ's stall at the end of the aisle has two boards which form the fourth wall and he delighted in flipping them up and escaping. The humans then devised a clever system that locks them into place. Those worked for two nights and then he figured out how to pry them off. Then they devised a third system to lock the second system and he figured a way around that. They're planning another attempt to confine him and will install it on the weekend. For now he spends the night in the aisle, strutting around and saying "Hahaha, old stoopid donkey's in jail, mules rool, hahaha!" I'd throttle him, if I could just get out of my room.
Thursday, February 7, 2008
Monday, February 4, 2008
Rising From The Ashes
Yesterday was fairly reasonable in terms of weather (that is, it didn't cause physical pain to be outside). After a leisurely brunch inside, away from the barbaric mule, I emerged to sun myself against the side of the barn. The woman struggled out of the house, puffing, and dragging a variety of large boxes, some full of scrap lumber. I know what this means; we are going to have a fire. This is ALWAYS an exciting event.
The woman piles some of the material in a heap and then begins striking matches. Some four hundred matches later, a small flame manages to stay alive. The woman coughs and waves her arms and tries to avoid the smoke, which follows her whenever she moves. Personally, I enjoy inhaling smoke and edge up behind her until she steps back and falls over me. The others rummage through the unburnt pile and eventually the woman begins flailing her arms and yelling "getoutofhereyoumorons". We ignore her.
I stand as close to the flames as possible without actually spontaneously combusting. However, the best part comes as the fire dies down. When the fire has turned to embers, I wade in, pawing ,and creating lots of dust and smoke. And then - heaven. I drop to my knees and proceed to work the warmth into my entire body. It's similar to the compost, but much warmer. I must be careful to do this when the woman's guard is down or I get a lecture on fire safety. When I arise, I emit clouds of smoke and according to her, look like I've just stepped out of a volcano. A quick roll in the snow (or sand, depending on time of year) and I feel like a whole new donkey. She refers to the process as a Finnish sauna gone horribly wrong. Of course, I consider her an example of an experiment gone horribly wrong but am too polite to say so.
TJ climbed almost all the way into one of the large boxes and I prayed fervently that he would be tossed on the fire. Alas, my prayers went unanswered. With all the shavings that cling to him, I'm sure he'd go up like a torch.
The woman piles some of the material in a heap and then begins striking matches. Some four hundred matches later, a small flame manages to stay alive. The woman coughs and waves her arms and tries to avoid the smoke, which follows her whenever she moves. Personally, I enjoy inhaling smoke and edge up behind her until she steps back and falls over me. The others rummage through the unburnt pile and eventually the woman begins flailing her arms and yelling "getoutofhereyoumorons". We ignore her.
I stand as close to the flames as possible without actually spontaneously combusting. However, the best part comes as the fire dies down. When the fire has turned to embers, I wade in, pawing ,and creating lots of dust and smoke. And then - heaven. I drop to my knees and proceed to work the warmth into my entire body. It's similar to the compost, but much warmer. I must be careful to do this when the woman's guard is down or I get a lecture on fire safety. When I arise, I emit clouds of smoke and according to her, look like I've just stepped out of a volcano. A quick roll in the snow (or sand, depending on time of year) and I feel like a whole new donkey. She refers to the process as a Finnish sauna gone horribly wrong. Of course, I consider her an example of an experiment gone horribly wrong but am too polite to say so.
TJ climbed almost all the way into one of the large boxes and I prayed fervently that he would be tossed on the fire. Alas, my prayers went unanswered. With all the shavings that cling to him, I'm sure he'd go up like a torch.
Friday, February 1, 2008
Woe Is Me
The shocking weather just goes on and on. More wind and blowing snow. I am posting a photo of self in our run-in to show the state of utter despair to which I have been reduced. Please also note the primitive state of said run-in. Unfinished walls, rubber mats on the floor - not a scrap of wallpaper or a square of carpet. I believe it's much like those Gulag prison camps I have heard of. At least I got to stay in the barn for the morning to enjoy a leisurly brunch before being thrust out into the elements.
TJ is more insufferable than ever. His take on yesterday's events with the foot man beggars belief. He has positioned it as a David and Goliath tale in which he fought and vanquished the ogre, leaving the battleground bloodied but unbowed. When I pointed out his newly trimmed feet he used a phrase that has become dear to his heart and told me not to be "utterly bijiculous". Then he shoved me out the door of the run-in and played a new game in which he dashes back and forth between the two doors, denying me entry and shrieking "You's banned from my club - no old fat donkey men kin enter hahahaha!" Fortunately, Molly came up behind him and whacked him on top of the head with her none-too-dainty muzzle; I think I saw stars circling over his ears. I certainly hope so.
I would also like to point out that in this most recent photo, the white light emanating from my eyes is simply a trick of the camera, not a sign of demonic possession as the woman so kindly put it..
TJ is more insufferable than ever. His take on yesterday's events with the foot man beggars belief. He has positioned it as a David and Goliath tale in which he fought and vanquished the ogre, leaving the battleground bloodied but unbowed. When I pointed out his newly trimmed feet he used a phrase that has become dear to his heart and told me not to be "utterly bijiculous". Then he shoved me out the door of the run-in and played a new game in which he dashes back and forth between the two doors, denying me entry and shrieking "You's banned from my club - no old fat donkey men kin enter hahahaha!" Fortunately, Molly came up behind him and whacked him on top of the head with her none-too-dainty muzzle; I think I saw stars circling over his ears. I certainly hope so.
I would also like to point out that in this most recent photo, the white light emanating from my eyes is simply a trick of the camera, not a sign of demonic possession as the woman so kindly put it..
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Foot Care Day
Six weeks of winter has crept by, signaling the return of our foot man, an event I very much enjoy. The woman has been nearly paralyzed with worry about how TJ would take this return. This is quite tiresome as it means she isn't properly focused on my wants and needs.
Shortly before his arrival, she gave TJ some sort of powder to help him relax and put us all in our stalls to with some hay. Although it made TJ somewhat more relaxed (ie. brought him down to warp speed) he was quite alert when the foot man walked in the barn. I have known this foot man all my life and I know he has the patience of Job and the strength of ten, so I was interested to see the outcome of their second meeting. He stroked TJ everywhere and even when TJ threw himself on the ground and in the air, the man just kept reassuring him, until finally TJ gave him a foot. I was quite annoyed with all the fuss and broke into full voice a few times but was told quite rudely by the woman to "button it". TJ had all four feet done and by that time he and the foot man were both quite winded and rather warm. The silly woman has given herself a migraine worrying about the whole thing. Pahh! TJ must learn that I am the central figure in this barn and his histrionics will not change that.
Speaking of nonsense, the weather is being utterly ridiculous. Yesterday we had violent winds - the dog had her mini-horse blanket on and the wind blew up the back of it and carried her down the driveway sideways. She looked like a small sailboat, tacking against the gale. Tomorrow we are to have a monstrous snow storm. Deep snow bogs me down and allows TJ to extract what remains of my winter coat. Mr. Gale has recommended something called WHOA!, a spray-on product that acts as mule repellant. I have instructed the woman to go out and search for it immediately. I have hopes of someday finding a product that will sound a large air horn the second TJ makes contact with my person - maybe it could also coat him with mace or pepper spray. Knowing TJ, he drinks the stuff for breakfast and comes back for seconds.
Shortly before his arrival, she gave TJ some sort of powder to help him relax and put us all in our stalls to with some hay. Although it made TJ somewhat more relaxed (ie. brought him down to warp speed) he was quite alert when the foot man walked in the barn. I have known this foot man all my life and I know he has the patience of Job and the strength of ten, so I was interested to see the outcome of their second meeting. He stroked TJ everywhere and even when TJ threw himself on the ground and in the air, the man just kept reassuring him, until finally TJ gave him a foot. I was quite annoyed with all the fuss and broke into full voice a few times but was told quite rudely by the woman to "button it". TJ had all four feet done and by that time he and the foot man were both quite winded and rather warm. The silly woman has given herself a migraine worrying about the whole thing. Pahh! TJ must learn that I am the central figure in this barn and his histrionics will not change that.
Speaking of nonsense, the weather is being utterly ridiculous. Yesterday we had violent winds - the dog had her mini-horse blanket on and the wind blew up the back of it and carried her down the driveway sideways. She looked like a small sailboat, tacking against the gale. Tomorrow we are to have a monstrous snow storm. Deep snow bogs me down and allows TJ to extract what remains of my winter coat. Mr. Gale has recommended something called WHOA!, a spray-on product that acts as mule repellant. I have instructed the woman to go out and search for it immediately. I have hopes of someday finding a product that will sound a large air horn the second TJ makes contact with my person - maybe it could also coat him with mace or pepper spray. Knowing TJ, he drinks the stuff for breakfast and comes back for seconds.
Monday, January 28, 2008
Heads and Tails
I quite enjoy having my picture taken and this weekend the two humans emerged, camera in hand, and proceeded to capture my likeness while I posed against the backdrop of the driveshed. I am very talented at remaining immobile for long periods of time; unlike some I could mention, I never fidget. Only when they had finished did I realize the photos are to go in a magazine for which the woman scribbles and they were actually pictures of HER, with me as a scenic backdrop. The nerve. Oh well, I suppose it will give my blog some publicity, as long as readers don't examine her visage too closely (she's fairly hideous).
Now for the hind end. TJ has devised a new game of creeping up behind me and yanking large tufts of hair from my hindquarters. Yet another humiliation from the evil brain of the mini-barbarian. With the cold weather, it's getting quite chilly back there. The woman rubbed blobs of white cream on the two largest spots next to my tail, in hopes that TJ would end up with a mouthful of diaper ointment (designed for infant human bottoms, I believe). It worked quite well and there he stood, foaming at the mouth and looking perplexed. I have posted a photo of self with the white patches in evidence. I told him that one fine day he would find himself enmeshed in a bitter lawsuit and the idiot said "Uhuhh, fossildonkey, I don't never wear no soots." Sigh.
Now for the hind end. TJ has devised a new game of creeping up behind me and yanking large tufts of hair from my hindquarters. Yet another humiliation from the evil brain of the mini-barbarian. With the cold weather, it's getting quite chilly back there. The woman rubbed blobs of white cream on the two largest spots next to my tail, in hopes that TJ would end up with a mouthful of diaper ointment (designed for infant human bottoms, I believe). It worked quite well and there he stood, foaming at the mouth and looking perplexed. I have posted a photo of self with the white patches in evidence. I told him that one fine day he would find himself enmeshed in a bitter lawsuit and the idiot said "Uhuhh, fossildonkey, I don't never wear no soots." Sigh.
Friday, January 25, 2008
An (Unofficial) Spa Day
On seeing TJ using me as a sort of gymnastic apparatus, the woman felt I needed a respite and invited me into the barn while she did her chambermaid duties. She had just returned from the morning walk with the dog, and fearing the dog would become cold in the barn, took her to the house, leaving behind the intriguing green compost container she had been carrying.
So there I was, alone in the barn with just the wheelbarrow and the green container for company. I did some whittling on the wheelbarrow handles but the aroma wafting from the green container proved too alluring. I nudged it gently and it tipped over, losing it's lid and spilling it's contents all over the aisle. The treasures I found! Unidentified things, many of which tasted wonderful, plus some perfectly good pieces of watermelon rind and something called coffee grounds. A veritable feast. There was a gentle heat emanating from the contents and I sensed an opportunity to indulge in some aromatherapy while giving myself a spa treatment. I rolled in it, making sure to coat myself thoroughly. I was lying there, groaning slightly and feeling a sense of relaxation and well-being when the door opened.
"Deargodsheafferwhathaveyoudonenow?" she bellowed. Well, that ruined any of the health benefits right there. She squawked and flapped around and next thing I was being assaulted with damp towels. Then dry towels. Then brushes. After that I was rudely escorted outside. She's still complaining about the "ungodly" cleanup. If she'd just stretch out in the compost for awhile, she'd find her tendency to over-react would simply vanish.
Doc had a slight colic this evening and unlike myself, he doesn't hide his discomfort, he tells the whole world. The woman gave him something in a syringe and held his hoof and made clucking sounds and he stuck his head over her shoulder and carried on like a big sissy. TJ had a panic attack and even Molly got very quiet and stopped eating. I just carried on as usual and finished my dinner - no point in encouraging this sort of display. He's fine now but the woman keeps popping in and bothering the rest of us and asking Doc if he's feeling better. Such a fuss.
Back to the world of politics tomorrow.
So there I was, alone in the barn with just the wheelbarrow and the green container for company. I did some whittling on the wheelbarrow handles but the aroma wafting from the green container proved too alluring. I nudged it gently and it tipped over, losing it's lid and spilling it's contents all over the aisle. The treasures I found! Unidentified things, many of which tasted wonderful, plus some perfectly good pieces of watermelon rind and something called coffee grounds. A veritable feast. There was a gentle heat emanating from the contents and I sensed an opportunity to indulge in some aromatherapy while giving myself a spa treatment. I rolled in it, making sure to coat myself thoroughly. I was lying there, groaning slightly and feeling a sense of relaxation and well-being when the door opened.
"Deargodsheafferwhathaveyoudonenow?" she bellowed. Well, that ruined any of the health benefits right there. She squawked and flapped around and next thing I was being assaulted with damp towels. Then dry towels. Then brushes. After that I was rudely escorted outside. She's still complaining about the "ungodly" cleanup. If she'd just stretch out in the compost for awhile, she'd find her tendency to over-react would simply vanish.
Doc had a slight colic this evening and unlike myself, he doesn't hide his discomfort, he tells the whole world. The woman gave him something in a syringe and held his hoof and made clucking sounds and he stuck his head over her shoulder and carried on like a big sissy. TJ had a panic attack and even Molly got very quiet and stopped eating. I just carried on as usual and finished my dinner - no point in encouraging this sort of display. He's fine now but the woman keeps popping in and bothering the rest of us and asking Doc if he's feeling better. Such a fuss.
Back to the world of politics tomorrow.
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
A Retraction and A Provocation
Doc has gotten himself in a state over my mention of his blanket obsession. He wants me change the wording from "poufy snowsuit" to "rugged outdoor survival wear". Fine, but a snowsuit by any other name etc... I think he's afraid of the reaction from his friends who also look like fireplugs . When they get together they play something called paddock hockey, which involves a lot of body slamming and going into the corners while trying to bring the opponent to his knees. If you can believe it, this is their idea of "male bonding". Tchaah.
I've been giving a lot of intense thought to my political platform. I was doing so today, with my eyes closed, when of course TJ materialized and said "Whaddar ya doin"? I said "I'm contemplating." Then he said "WHY?" and I said "Because contemplation precedes action." "WHY?", he asked? I sighed and said "Because thinking animals do things in that order." "WHY?" he said. I replied "Try it sometime and you'll see that..."WHYWHYWHYWHY?" At that point I attempted to box his ears but he he ran away and said "Ya see, akshun is way more funner, hahahaha." Oh Lord, give me strength.
I really think that boy needs sedatives. The plow came to clear our driveway this afternoon and TJ was spellbound. An hour later, when it was time to go into our rooms, he was so still so excited he kept running into the barn, grabbing mouthfuls of food and rushing back out. The woman finally blocked his exit route and he reluctantly went into his room. It's exhausting just watching him. I may have to close my eyes for a minute...
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