Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Tooth And Consequences

I was (somewhat) mentally prepared for the visit of what Jack calls "them red-headed vitinary gals" but he was quite surprised when they walked through the door with their various bags of tricks and gadgets designed to poke and pry a donkey's innermost personal areas. He went on high alert mode immediately and began inhaling deeply in preparation for the upcoming "rasslin" match.

I was extraordinarily brave and volunteered to go first so he could see how unstressed I was. In truth, they took me by surprise and before I knew it, there was Dr. Kathryn with my tongue clamped in one gloved hand and the other hand exploring the darkest recesses of my mouth. She seemed bemused that I swallowed all the rinse water that she shot in there first. Hmmm", she said, "hmmm, hmmm.". That's one of those sounds that can mean anything so I was hugely relieved when she announced my teeth were near-textbook perfect and didn't need to be floated this time. I am a proponent of chewing everything one hundred times and of flossing carefully with bits of bark. It would seem to be working.

Jack was ready for them and the ensuing wrestling match was waged with vigour on both sides. He HATES needles and is convinced they will kill you. He says he has seen it happen and I believe him but I think that is probably a different kind of needle. They wrestled back and forth, up and down the aisle and he finally had to have a bit of his yak-like coat shaved off his neck so the needle could get in there. He also hates clippers. By the time the "juice" as he calls it, was circulating, he was so pent up it had virtually no effect. So he had another one...which helped somewhat. Dr. Kathryn put the metal ratchet tooth plate device on him and wiggled each tooth to see their condition. After all that chaos, it turns out his teeth are virtually unchanged since last time except for a front top tooth that is loose-ish. She will consult with a dental specialist to form a plan of action but for now it stays where it is. We were all very pleased.

While he was still groggy, they siphoned off some of his blood so it can be checked. And then - you will hardly believe this - they rummaged in his toilet area and put some of his manure in a plastic bag! It's true! I saw them do it! We were absolutely staggered but there is simply no telling what humans will do from one moment to the next. These bizarre collections have something to do with Jack having lost weight in the last few weeks. Oh well, if it gives them information of some sort I suppose we must turn a blind eye.

Jack was not allowed food after this mugging. He had to wait til the "juice" was out of his system and so by evening he was ravenous. He ate some mush and a bit of hay but his tendency to choke came over him and didn't "thet other red-headed vitinery gal", Dr. Maggie come to see him. Oh no, thought Jack and proceeded to rodeo around his stall so wildly that the obstruction came loose and shot all over the place...unfortunately, according to Jack, it missed the humans by inches. The scene was grotesque but somehow satisfying. Another round to the ancient donkey - huzzah!

This morning, Jack had glue-like paste in his nostrils and wasn't overly interested in his food, though he ate well overnight. Back came Dr. Maggie just to check on him and he was absolutely livid. I can't say I blame him. The first thing she did was to whip out a glass rod with numbers on it and try to insert it in Jack's nether region. He was having none of it and attempted to double barrel her. She must have knowledge of this tactic because she simply stepped aside. His numbers seemed to be normal. She listened to his front end and declared it sounded fine, Then she cleaned the glue from his nostrils, which he resisted until he realized it felt quite good. He must take various pastes and pills just to be sure but this evening he is quite himself. I must add that I was so professional throughout that Dr. Maggie entrusted me with her stethoscope and draped it round my neck when she wasn't using it. I did not betray her trust.

On the upside, Jack now has new high-calorie hay cubes that smell like the food of the gods. When herself put them to soak in hot water the smell was so extraordinary that we all began braying and stomping. In vain, it seems, as the woman has declared the last thing we three "blimps" need is calories. Hah, I saw that box of Girl Guidance Cookies going into the house tonight. I'll say no more. But Jack wants a word.

"there's no call WHATEVIR to go to tormentin a ole man in his home. I near nailed one a them redheaded gal doctors and nex time i won be missin. my intire life no buddy tried ta file muh teeth an i aint lettin em now. they say ya gotta git teeth care all yer life so you younguns better heed. i stil want them mailorder teeth but oooooonoooo i gotta keep on wrasslin them gals. an thats all i got ta say on that. excep that green cube stuff is real good."


billie said...

Oh my gosh - I'm so glad to hear your teeth were perfect, Sheaffer, and you escaped floating!

And I'm glad Jack didn't need that either, but it does sound like he had a rough day of it. Please keep us posted on how he's doing with his new, wonderful, hay cubes. At the very least, I hope he enjoys them, and that he gains some weight and keeps his amazing spirited outlook on things.

And I have to tell you - Rafer Johnson is going to be so envious and so proud of your honorary M.D. status. He fancies he might go to medical school some day, and I'm sure donkeys the world over will fill his schedule to avoid the 'rasslin' matches with red-headed women!

Of course we all know donkeys are quite capable of doing their own donkey version of 'rasslin' but at least it would be an even match. I suspect a donkey M.D. would have much nicer ways of presenting things like needles and other invasive equipment.

I myself am wondering if donkeys are allowed to chew and do as they will, might they be naturally filing those teeth and keeping them strong and healthy? This could be strong new evidence that the photo your woman took of that door frame was indeed the act that saved her all the money of floating your teeth this time!

robert5721 said...

I am truly glad that YOU escaped the float thing, but I LOVE MR JACKS FULL CHOKE SHOTGUN METHOD of handling the dental torturers..I have a full choke om my shotgun barrel as well, sir Jack, and it is very effective!!!! Keep it up, buddy, and we can invent a whole new methodology for Donkey defense! This is just a quick note, as I must go let Amy out for her play time....more l8r....
Mr Gale

ponymaid said...

Billie, Jack is still highly indignant. He is not quite himself yet but seems to be getting there. Rafer would make a most excellent physician - he is intelligent, curious, scientifically minded and has a wonderfully comforting bedside manner and has experience with being an invalid himself. I attribute my own dental health to a steady diet of twigs, bark and fence rails. I have no plaque and my teeth are wearing evenly. All donkeys should have access to the basic dental care tools - especially nicely seasoned fence rails. And thank you for the insight about the door frame - although I still maintain it wasn't me, you can see how important that sort of therapy is to donkey dentition.

Mr. Gale, we still have quite an angry old donkey in our midst. He says that if those two interferin' females (one was herself) weren't hanging off his halter he would have landed the double barrel kick fair and square. It may be as well he doesn't have an actual shotgun - he's mad enough to use it at the moment. Please keep us up to date on Amy - we love to hear about her progress.