What a bizarre and confusing day. During the night the white cat brought me a gift mouse (I know it was a gift because no parts were missing) and left it in the dining area at the front of my room. When the female human came in to let us out, I was absentmindedly pushing it around on the stall mat. Well! You'd have thought it was radioactive the way she carried on. It was snatched away and buried without my being consulted. Infuriating. Wait till someone gives her a book or something... Ha, then we'll see.

Then, more ructions when she was cleaning our rooms. I made my way, stealth like, into the barn by the back door. She was busy toiling away, so I made my way into the tack room and found a dish of cat food. Quite tasty - dry and with a nice after-taste on the palate. I was evicted quite rudely and then told off for knocking over a bucket of water on my way out. The woman is obviously a lunatic.

Now, here is the really confusing bit. The male human promised to write me my own personal piece of music. Ahhh, I thought, something Gregorian, possibly a Madrigal or even a little light opera. Imagine my amazement when I scanned the piece and found it completely incomprehensible. Cribs? Peeps? Bros? What on earth is he talking about?? Then tonight he told me he's getting me some oversized trousers that I must wear around my hips and a pair of mirrored sunglasses. I don't even like the large dog blanket they tried to make me wear. He's obviously as mad as she is. I'm thinking of packing my trunks and moving in with my friend Cruiser. Quiet, sensible woman who kneels down so she can speak to you one on one and who doesn't gibber nonsense in my sensitive ears. Best of all, she lives on another continent.