Saturday, November 29, 2008

She's Trying to Scare Me To Death

I strongly suspect the woman of having succumbed to the equine fad of "desensitizing' . Not only is it not working, it's putting a terrible strain on my inherently sensitive self. She claims it's all coincidence. I ask my readers to decide.

This morning dawned somewhat warmer, a mixed blessing, as the higher temperature caused the large snow load on the barn roof to become water-logged. The result when this occurs is that large slabs of snow suddenly break loose and thunder onto the ground. There was a particularly large slab hanging precariously over the front door and unbeknownst to me, the woman decided to prod it with a shovel . I was standing, back to the door, eating my morning hay ration and thinking deeply about all sorts of important issues. Next thing I knew, there was a thunderous roar and I was all but engulfed in a soggy avalanche. She says I was the only one who reacted at all and in fact it barely covered my ankles. I certainly did react, I snorted, did a spectacular forward jette and galloped away, giving off loud blasts from my distended nostrils. And what did she do? Laughed at me and told me to "hire a hall and take my histrionics public"!

THEN, not an hour later, Jack and I were rummaging for bits of hay in the run-in when she callously threw three empty shavings bags over the half-door. She calls them shavings bags but I know in my heart they are the devil's handiwork and are possessed of supernatural powers that can kill a donkey. One blew in front of the big door, another in front of the smaller door and the third came to rest against Jack's front leg. I was nearly hysterical. Here were two innocent donkeys in a death trap and she just carried on chambermaiding our rooms. Jack continued eating and eventually used his nose to flip the offending object off his leg. Poor old man - he doesn't know the forces of evil when he sees them. Then he casually walked out, actually stepping on one of the offending objects. Now I was alone with the murderous, crackling plastic demons. I began honking and braying at the top of my lungs. The woman appeared, summed up the situation, and unblocked the doors, chuckling to herself. Do you see what I mean? It was obviously a cunning plan on her part.

The final insult occured when we were quietly eating our warm dinner and there was a horrible swishing. dragging noise. It was obviously a creature from the nether world come to steal our souls. The others just glanced up and carried on eating, oblivious to the threat. It was the terrible wooden board with a string attached and she had two lumpy shapes piled on it. How was I to know there was food in there? I mean, it could have been anything. I can't help it if I have a finely tuned nervous system. The woman's advice to "take a pill" may be my only option of remaining sane around this loony bin.

What do you think? Were her actions premeditated or simply coincidental, as she claims? Dear readers, I think you know the answer.


billie said...

Sheaffer, after all that you need a spa day!

Rafer and Redford are not fond of those white shavings bags either. We only use them on the rare occasion that my call to the shavings delivery man coincides with rain and he takes his time getting here.

Around here that "desensitizing" thing is often called "bombproofing" - can you imagine?

You'd think the sound of a real live bobcat screaming would be scarier by far than those white plastic evil bags, but both donkeys went out after the bobcat but ran from the bags! I guess it's a good trade - they scared the bobcat away and I wrestled those evil bags into the trash bin. :)

Buddy said...

Wow Sheaffer - you had quite a day - I must say I was appalled at your woman's behavior but I also had to chuckle - you donkeys are so dramatic - which is a good thing! Much more entertaining than us horses.

Give Molly my love.

hamtownhorsegirl said...

Sheaffer, my person is a long time lurker, first time poster. We have an equine-type animal on our farm very similar to you - his name is Jose'. He is terribly possessive of the larger equines with whom he resides. It has taken me a long time to realize that he means no harm to me. I thought he was just an a freak of nature (what with his long ears and short stature) so imagine my surprise when I discovered TWO MORE equine-like creatures just like him (and you) right down the road from my new home. I shall attempt to make acquaintance with them both once I settle in here. I have taken several photographs of them and shall post them when my human is able to proficiently navigate the site. I have enjoyed each and every story that you have shared and sympathize with the trifling nature of the humans that you must endure on a daily basis.

Finn the Wonder Pony said...

OH Sheaffer! We must call the RSPCA or whatever they call it!!! This is the worst abuse yet! Despite my years and size, I still do not trust those durn things.. they do blow at and around one quite viciously! She MUST be reported!!! Sheaffer fans UNTIE! Oh, wait, that was a cheer for dyslexic persons..

ponymaid said...

billie, how right you are - I need a spa day. Team R&R have the instinctive donkey hatred of those plastic monstrosities - a mere bobcat can't compete with that level of frightfulness. Now a bobcat inside one of those bags - well, that's a whole other story.

buddy, how are you progressing with your donkey search? You too can have the ongoing drama of live donkey theatre in your own paddock! You'll never have another bored moment.

hamtownhorsegirl - what a wonderful name! So glad you could join us - and by the way do you have snow where you live? If not I could come and visit you when Jack and I head south for our winter tour (if we can cast off the shackles of oppression). You will find that donkeys and horses make for an excellent social mix - the woman calls us a criminal cabal, but she is mentally unbalanced.

cindylou - YES, we must untie and cast off those shackles! You see how our very existence is fraught with peril - and the woman is simply too addled to recognize it. My nerves are so frayed from living this way that I may fade away to a mere skeleton. Oh - now the woman is laughing hysterically - you get my point.

Buddy said...

Hay Sheaffer - my woman cleaned up the paddock today so its ready for your visit - please bring Jack and Molly with you - oh the fun we will have.

robert5721 said...

WE MUST GET THIS STORY RIGHT HERE !! YOU were peacefully eating your hay in the doorway, realizing full well that your hot breath would rise and shake the snow loose from the roof, giving your woman another thing to clean sneaky devil you!! When one wants a Donkey such as yourself to do something, the FIRST move is to convince the Donkey that HE WANTS TO DO THIS....then just sit back and try to stop him....he he he ....
Bet Mr Jack can tell you some REAL stories bout that kind of stuff!! You must think of some vivaldi when those bag things are present, and get them to move in time with the music....
Have a great day !!
Mr Gale

ponymaid said...

buddy, I'm negotiating a package deal for our whole group on a discount airline - hopefully it won't go bankrupt before we get to your place. Do you have twigs or should we pack some? Do you need maple syrup?

Mr. Gale, I swear I didn't have anything to do with the avalanche...although I'm told I do breath heavily. Regarding those monstrosities in plastic, the only music I ever hear coming from them is Wagner's 'Ride of the Valkyries", which is very unsettling.

Buddy said...

Bring your twigs and some maple syrup - my woman loves maple syrup from Canada - and I love it too!

Hope the airlines stays in business long enough for you to get her - my woman is always whining about the economy and companies going bankrupt - whatever that means.

billie said...

Sheaffer, I have awarded you the Butterfly Award - come by to pick it up, if you want to show it off or share it, but mostly, just know that you bring so much color and joy to my day with your wonderful musings!