Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Pseudonyms, Nicknames and Alter Egos

We've been having the sort of heat and humidity that causes the woman to muse about planting cotton every year at this time. She's a permanent beet red colour and as damp as the Okefenokee swamp. The biting flies take this temperature as an invitation to breed in vast quantities and we equines are beset day and night.

Jack and I were relaxing under the trees and got to discussing all the things we are called, some quite acceptable, some slanderous. Gale and Mr. Gale have christened Jack Mr. Jack because of his extreme age and dignified acceptance of all life has thrown at him. The woman sometimes calls him Jack Black because that's the colour of his coat that is coming in. He was shockingly referred to as Jack the Stripper when he rubbed his halter off and he's been known to launch a Jack Attack on his food bowl.

I like being called His Sheafferness, but don't appreciate His Rotundity. My oldest friends call me Sheaff or The Sheaff, but The Picnic Table With Legs is frowned upon. The male human sometimes calls me Herr Doktor Sheaffer because he says I approach the study of things in a highly scientific manner. I detest being called The Hindenberg.

Doc has many nicknames but his favourite is The Doc-inator. He's been known as The Red Terror, Doc The Blockhead, The Enforcer and Docyou&^$#%**#^%. His very old friends call him Dockers but he's a bit embarrassed by that name because it harkens back to his colthood. His barn name is often Fartacus, because he emits a series of powerful blasts on his way into his room and the woman frantically waves her hands in the air in a feeble attempt to disperse the miasma.

Molly is affectionately know as Droolia because anything treat-like causes her salivary glands to spring into action and a flood of green drool begins dripping from her rubbery lips. Because of her trollopy ways, she is also know as Moll Flanders, The Pony Tart, and sometimes The Golden Garberator. To quote Alexander McCall Smith, she is "a lady of traditional build", which means she is as a square as a log cabin and as strong as Babe the blue ox. As a result she is sometimes referred as Molly The Architectural Marvel.

The woman is simply the woman, though we sometimes refer to her as "herself" when she is being particularly annoying. "She Who Must Be Obeyed" suits her perfectly but has already been claimed by Rumpole of The Bailey to refer to Mrs. Rumpole. Too bad.


Buddy said...

I cannot believe my beautiful Molly has those names. She is just perfect in every way.

Sigh - I'm so in love.

Sheaffer - could you ask your woman for more pics of my love???

Buddy said...

Oh forgot - wanted to share my nicknames - some are really embarassing.

Bud Muffin
Love Bug
Bud Man

My pink nose is turning red in emabrassment.

Finn the Wonder Pony said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Finn the Wonder Pony said...

Nicknames... Aahhh... My favorite nicknames are Delicate Flower, Petunia (because I once came in from pasture with a buttercup in my halter buckle) Miss, Lou, Sin, LouWho, Big Girl and Pretty Girl. Not so faves are The Yak (mostly in winter), Two-Ton-Tessie (I'm not even one ton, thank you very much!), Tons'o'Fun, the Big Grey Couch.
My daughter, Who'sWho, has many nicknames... most not so flattering... Pnut, P-Baby, Poopie Pants (from when she was a baby), But Butt, (because she has a comma-shaped star and because she had to have her butt washed about 6 times a day for a while). Some people call her the Demon Seed and The Twisted Daughter. She's not bad; just misunderstood. ;^P

ponymaid said...

buddy, Molly is equally smitten and will I will reluctantly stoke her ego by posting more pics. She thinks your nicknames are "cute". I am giving this blossoming romance a wide berth (rather like Molly's bottom).

cindylouwho - how appalling! The Yak?? I mean, I think you might have grounds for a lawsuit there. Your daughter is referred to as "The Demon Seed"? Tell me, does she strike you as muleish at all - I ask because that was one of TJ's names, as well as Little Damien - pahh, the youth today...

Buddy said...

OH THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH - she is so beautiful - oh my goodness - I'm at a loss for words.

Give her hugs and kisses for me.

Finn the Wonder Pony said...

Actually, my human said she looked a lot like a mule when she was first born. Her ears were quite large, which is also a Percheron trait. She has finally grown into them but she was a somewhat naughty child. She would harass the old gelding, StarBright until he would finally run away from her, which was her idea of playing. Much like TJ. That is why she is having an extended stay at *finishing school.* I'm not sure what that means, but she finished one school at the end of last month and my human took her to a school in New York to learn to jump. Sounds like too much work to me. I'd sooner keep my feet closer to the ground.

billie said...

I attempted to read this post out loud to my husband and daughter last night, but I was laughing so hard they finally snatched the laptop away from me.

Rafer Johnson is:

Donkey Boy
Dr. Johnson
Little Man

There have been a few times of rebellion and wild donkey running in circles when I have said "oh my gosh you are Rafer with a TJ core!"

And every once in a while, I look at him and mean to say Rafer, and out comes "Sheaffer!"

A high honor indeed!

ponymaid said...

cindylouwho, my understanding is that finishing school teaches young fillies to curtsey and serve tea should the Queen happen to drop in. Is you daughter now schooled in the social graces? TJ says he could finish off any school he might be forced to attend.

billie, Dr. Johnson is an excellent name for Rafer - what better example for a young donkey than the illustrious man of letters? I very much hope his inner TJ is kept safely under lock and key, otherwise you may find yourself in need of an equi-exorcist.

completecare said...

Hi Sheaffer,
When my mom and I arrived at our present home six years ago we were known as Roberta and Willow. Shortly after, we affectionately became known as Bert and Willy. Over time we have been called many things but the most common are Mom Bert and Baby Will. BABY WILL, for heavens sake I am going to be 11 years old in September. BABY WILL can you believe it - how embarassing!!!!!

Your fan,

ponymaid said...

Willy, my heart aches for you. I have been in that highly embarrassing position myself where someone from my youth rushes up and says "Sheaffie, you're such a cutsie pootsie!". Good God. Tell them in no uncertain terms that from now on you are to be addressed as William. Apply back hoofs as necessary when dealing with infractions. Baby Will, forsooth, you are a mature and distinguished donkey,even if you do still live with a parental unit.