Friday, December 19, 2008

Global Warming ? No, It's Snowmageddon

The Apocalypse is upon us - it has arrived in the form of winds that sound like runaway potato trucks and is accompanied by snow that blows in from all directions at once. And it's not even officially winter yet. I've consulted my legal tomes and it seems there is nothing that can be done to stop it. Apparently the laws of nature over-rule all other laws.

When the woman thrust us rudely outside it was merely windy. When she returned an hour later it was snowing heavily, with the result that we all had full body suits of snow. She let Jack and self back into the barn and gave us a mound of hay to soothe our weather-frazzled nerves. Doc and Molly got another pile of hay in the run-in but it was too late to put coats on either Jack or Doc because they were completely snow-encrusted. Fortunately Jack and I were able to double the time it took her to clean the barn. Jack kept pretending to have amnesia and walking into the tack room in search of food. I whittled the handles of the wheelbarrow and we both went in the horses stalls and rearranged their beds. We whinged a bit to see if she would give us our hot meal several hours early, but unfortunately failed in that endeavour.

She then let Doc and Molly inside and we were given further piles of hay. We slept and napped, repeated the process at leisure and soon it was time for our afternoon high tea. Finally, a hot meal was served at this version of Fawlty Towers and we got extra bedding. The wind continues to howl and hurl snow at the windows and Jack Frost, the lunatic graffiti "artist" has defaced every pane of glass. I might as well live in outer Mongolia.

The woman did leave the radio on for us, setting it on an all-Christmas music station. There is division in the barn as to what constitutes proper festive music but I will tell you about that later. For now I will post some photos that were taken today so you can see what I must endure for the next four months.


Buddy said...

WOW you got ALOT of snow. Is Doc and Molly gonna be warm enough with all that snow on their bodies - brrrrr I'm cold just looking at the pictures.

Glad you got lots to eat. Stay warm my fren!

billie said...

My goodness - you are all FROSTED! :0

My children would adore being there in all that snow. If it could snow and then magically disappear without the mush and melting and refreezing as ice, I would like it too!

I hesitate to tell you just how warm it was today. (73 degrees) The wind was gusting quite hard, but at least it was a WARM wind, and even the wildly flapping shavings pile tarp did not alarm anyone, they were so relaxed and happy to have the sun shining on their backs.

Perhaps we could work out a deal with the woman where she ships you and Jack down to winter here with us. Then when the hideous humid heat kicks in we could all pack up and travel north.

I am so glad you're all safe and warm in the barn now!

robert5721 said...

Back in da ole daze (ask Jack to translate) when I lived in the Green Hills of Vermont (that were only green for about 8 weeks of the year) we had that funny Jack Frost stuff for a long part of the year, but it would be on the INSIDE of our windows of the house at 50 below about stink ???? That blanket of snow can actually stop heat from leaving your massive and muscular body....which is great until the temperature goes up and it starts melting....then you just shake it off and wait for the next one to show up. You and Jack just need to watch yer ears so they don't get frostbite..nasty stuff that frost bite old horse Snoopy used to just keep his tucked back to his head to try and keep em warm..try it..
MERRY CHRISTMAS to ALL the critters there !!
Mr Gale

Katie said...

Dear Sheaffer:

I was introduced to your blog yesterday by the male human who floats the woman’s and the man’s teeth, and read through much of your blog throughout the night, it was so exciting! I am impressed with your tolerance towards your humans and fellow inmates. You shall remember, of course, with your superior intellectual skills, that you were introduced to my male human and our youngest male offspring about 10 years ago at your previous residence. All of my family is excited to meet you in the New Year, and would ask you respectfully to put in a good word for us to get an official invitation from the woman. One of our offspring, now 31 years old, came home last week from spending many years in Taiwan as a teacher. He says it is to consider going to graduate school (he has an honours degree in Philosophy from Queens’s [a fan of Royalty, like you]), but perhaps it is really to meet up with entities like you, as clearly, you have a profound proficiency in his field. As his school of choice has been on strike for some time, perhaps you could be a stand-in as his Advisor.

In an earlier post, you mentioned your interest in running for public office as President. Although it is less prestigious than the American position (which just recently got filled), there is currently a small window of opportunity in Canadian politics as the newly-formed coalition could consider a “dark horse” like you for a new leader (leaning heavily on your equine ancestry). As the donkey is already the symbol for the American Democratic Party, you already have a hoof in the door as a potential Party leader in Canada. I note that you have American ancestry and am assuming you are a natural-born Canadian; however, with the precedent of Obama not having to produce his original birth certificate to obtain Office, we are seeing the opportunity to exploit a loop-hole, if necessary. God knows, Canadian politics could use your wisdom. We might also suggest a campaign slogan reminiscent of your own Hoover references, but geared to current economic matters: No Stalls Foreclosed. Fresh Hay in Every Bag. Sheaffer Shall Always Kick Some Ass.

More storms on the way, Sheaffer. Please try to stay warm. The country shall need you soon.

ToothFloater’s Wife

ponymaid said...

Buddy, you said it. And there's more coming tomorrow and the next day and the next day...and so on into infinity or May. Doc will definitely have his coat on tomorrow, as will Jack but Molly (the naturist) gets overheated in any sort of clothing and I simply refuse to wear it on principle.

Billie, your scheme is nothing short of brilliant. A seasonal migration up and down the eastern seaboard strikes me as a perfect solution to our mutual weather problems. Seventy three degrees...I doubt my body temperature is that high these days.

Mr. Gale, as an honourary Vermonter, you know all about frost on both the inside and outside of window panes. It's despicable no matter what side it's on - that Jack Frost is sadist and vandal. I once tasted the frost on the inside of my window and my tongue became momentarily stuck. It gave me such a fright that I have never gone near the cursed stuff again. I am able to keep my ears relatively flat against my neck but poor Jack has trouble because of the sheer acreage of his hearing apparatus. He just gets them nicely placed and the wind whips around and bends them forward again. The woman is threatening to put something called wool socks on them.

Katie, I'm so pleased that you found your way here! Please, please tell me that your human dentist counterpart uses a gag and large power tools to float the woman's teeth...and I would be delighted to hear that she is rendered nearly unconscious and hung from the rafters by a rope attached to her headcollar while some idiot takes photos for the world to see. It is my fondest wish to obtain such a photo. As you can see, I have given this a lot of thought.

I do indeed remember two male members of your family who came to see me long ago. Your offspring was extremely polite and did not shriek, poke me in the eye or pull my ears, as many human young have attempted. I'm sure he has grown into a fine young, donkey-appreciating human. I would be most interested in helping your older male offspring with his studies. In fact, I can move in with him (he does live in heated quarters?) so our discussions won't be interrupted by travel time. Philosophy, ahhh yes, an area of especial interest to me (but alas not to the philistines around here). I have instructed the woman to extend you a very warm invitation to visit me - maybe she can be persuaded to invite me into the house. We can discuss my political aspirations - the flames are flickering low but could be revived by a foray into the founding of a new and improved Donkey party.

Katie said...

Dear Sheaffer:

The woman’s toothfloater and I have discussed your request for a photo of the woman having her teeth floated. I am quite certain the toothfloater and his helpers can collaborate on your behalf, but you may have to wait until late Spring/early Summer for your photo as the woman does not return to his office until then.

We are quite excited that you are orchestrating an official invitation for us to visit. There has been much human braying and prancing around the living room with anticipation!

You will be astonished how much our youngest offspring has grown, and pleasantly surprised to see that the toothfloater’s hair now emulates the lovely silver sheen of your coat.

Our older offspring finds your offer to move in with him to expedite his philosophy studies very attractive. He, too, prefers heated quarters, and commiserates with you about the existing dismal weather conditions both you and he find yourselves in at this time. As Taiwan’s climate is about the same as Hawaii’s, he has become sensitized to Canadian winters after being away for so many years. If a Donkey Party with you as its leader could become a political force once Parliament reconvenes in late January, he’d ask you to propose immediate improvement in the winter weather conditions as part of your campaign. When Mark Twain wrote that everyone talks about the weather but no one does anything about it, the possibility of a donkey Prime Minister with a warm weather platform was clearly outside the scope of his imagination when he wrote that.

PS: do you have any suggestions how we might lobby on your behalf with the woman for you to come inside at the anticipated reunion? We all agree here that as a rising public figure, a barn-only introduction is a bit demeaning for you, and is vulnerable to sabotage from TJ.

ToothFloater’s Wife

ponymaid said...

Dear Katie ToothFloater, You may have provided me with the most compelling reason to survive the winter. If we can arrange for said photo of the woman, I will have it enlarged to gigantic proportions and affixed to the front of the barn. A donkey can dream...

Please keep lobbying for my admission to the house - my pleas fall of deaf ears and bounce off her cold, hard heart. I'm a very gracious host, if I do say so myself, and cannot hold the sort of salon you deserve in a barn. Fortunately, young TJ has been banished to the PrimRose Donkey Sanctuary to work through his delinquent tendencies. A salon with TJ would be more of a mosh pit.

I wonder if that Taiwan position vacated by your offspring is still available? I'm prepared to instruct anyone on anything as long as it takes place in a warm climate.

Katie said...

Sheaffer, in the event you want an outdoor picture, I'll be pleased to make arrangements to have the woman's photo enlarged AND laminated to give it longevity and provide for enjoyment for many years to come. Once the woman is on public display, we may be circumventing her regular attendance at the toohtfloater's office, but it may be worth it for your and your colleagues' pleasure.

We are assuming TJ's "rehab" is an unexpected and early Christmas present, and you are back to a mode of quiet contemplation and inner reflection on behalf of your readers?

My older offspring's position is indeed still available, and from the number of emails he has had from his former students beseeching him to return, they are in a receptive state-of-mind for a fine teacher such as yourself in lieu of him. However, and it's just a tiny, tiny, almost insignificant requirement, hardly worth mentioning, but are you fluent in Mandarin? Don't answer yet: when you meet him in the New Year, just have a few words ready to converse casually in the Taiwanese state language then. It's a tonal language and with your extensive musical background, I'm sure, if you're a little rusty, he'll have you back to fluent-form in no time at all!

ToothFloater's Wife

robert5721 said...

I am sure that Mr Jack would enjoy the wool sock thingies!! As might you if it gets cold enough..And Katie, your posts are delightful, to say the least!! Welcome aboard the Sheaffer Wagon!
Mr Gale

Katie said...

Dear Mr. Gale:

Thank you for your warm welcome to the Sheaffer wagon. Although Sheaffer and I have never met, for many years before the woman and the man moved to their present location, I would look out every day for Sheaffer and his other barn mates as I drove by the front of their property. I can only gasp now in retrospect to realize, that all the while, under Sheaffer’s unassuming mask and indolent deportment, were the origins of this perceptive, drole, and canny “stream-of-consciousness” we are so fortunate today in which to partake. A privilege … there is no other word to describe it.

I have had to re-think the list of attendees from my side about who from my family shall be attending the two-tiered visit to Sheaffer in the New Year when the official invitation arrives from the woman. It is two-tiered in that my male counterpart, the toothfloater, and our youngest offspring, met Sheaffer ten years ago. They have mentioned it fondly over the years but I was ignorant of its real significance until now.

I and my older offspring, just returned from Taiwan, have never had the honour, so for us, it’s more like a state occasion, like being presented to Royalty, in a way. I was going to invite my Mother, too (we all live together now), but when I read all the recent “Bloggers” content to her this morning, expecting complete support and witty repartee, instead I got the following: “forgod’ssakekatieyou’rewritingtoadonkeyareyouokwhat’sgoingoninyourlife?”. So I think I shall keep it simple: a complete donkey aficionado – you are invited. Otherwise – you are not.

Mr. Gale, I don’t have direct experience with donkeys, and as this shall be a stellar occasion, do you have any suggestions for an appropriate gift to give Sheaffer? The woman’s house-warming gift, as she is a philistine by definition, bears virtually no thought requirement at all, but meeting Sheaffer, after all these years! What should we get? Price, for an occasion of this stature, is of no concern whatsoever! Please advise.

ToothFloater’s Wife

ponymaid said...

Good heavens Katie and Mr. Gale, you make me blush (hard to see under all this facial fur)! I am glad you enjoy my pitiful scribblings - your friendship and support is reward enough.

Katie, I'm rather alarmed at your mother's view - I usually connect quite well with the elderly. She may be bogged down by preconceived notions of what a donkey should be. Before Granny from across the road died last spring, I was invited to her retirement residence for tea and am saddened to have missed the opportunity. I suspect the elderly of being a gold mine of voting support for someone like myself." Barca Loungers for all " is an important plank in my political platform. And Ovaltine.

Katie said...

Her reaction took me aback as well! Doesn’t seem to matter how well you think you know someone … . The Ovaltine reference may soften her point of view. She has a hot mug of it every night before bedding down in her human stall for the night. We won’t decide now on the attendee list, then. By the way, the older offspring asked me to forward this to you to give you strength over the months to come:

"In the midst of winter, I finally learned that there was in me an invincible summer."
-Albert Camus

robert5721 said...

That is an EASY one,...
A monacle, a pocket watch, a breast coat, and a case of stud muffins....not necessarily in that order. SMILE..
You ARE visiting royalty, what DO YOU MEAN, kind of like? Sheaffer is the reigning Head of the Donkey Party here in the United States, youknow!!
Mr Gale