Monday, December 8, 2008

A Most Peculiar Visitor

This morning dawned cold and windy. That in itself is not noteworthy, because it has been cold and windy around here for the last eon or so, but today the woman decided it was time for Jack to don his new checkered sport coat. She has been dithering about the timing for this wardrobe upgrade. Jack has decided he will graciously accept this new covering because it allows him to navigate the entire paddock in comfort, without being harassed by the buffeting wind.

As someone who despises any sort of equine clothing, I assured him I will do my best to sabotage her efforts. I have begun on the tail cord and am happy to say I accomplished my mission in record time. Said tail cord is now a mere frozen strand of pathetic string. Jack says he's not sure he wants the whole thing demolished but I pointed out that the idiot woman had left the price tag on the front - which is the height of gaucherie. Jack said "I kinda like lettin' the world know I'm a valable donkey with a new suit a clothin".

With Jack in his new coat, price tag flapping in the wind, we made our way to the front of the paddock. You can't imagine what we saw on the side of the road, right next to our fence. There was a huge yellow metal diamond with a flat man on it. He appeared to be shovelling dirt but was obviously working in extreme slow motion because I didn't see him move all day, nor did he ever utter a peep. There were humans in the distance waving flags and stopping traffic and other humans digging up the side of the road but the flat, quiet man kept to himself. "I seen him before", said Jack, "he's allus on his own, never takes no lunch break or talks to nobody and he works real slow. He must be the boss cuz they carry him around an he jus leans on that shovel all day long, watchin' them others work." I'm obviously engaged in a staring match with a member of management.

With that Jack went back to the run-in for a snack. I settled in for the morning to see if the flat man would ever blink. I used classic guerilla warfare tactics to approach him without his seeing me, moving left and right and hiding in the shadow of the fence posts. The woman says fence posts only work as a hiding place if your stomach doesn't stick out on either side. Always harping on the negative. At one point Doc spotted him and galloped over, making loud trumpeting noises, Molly following in his wake. Doc challenged Flat Man to a rasslin match but gave up in disgust and came back to say "Dood just stands there all flat sayin' nothin' - I tole him I'd kick his butt only he don't seem to have one." Poor Doc, he's finally met someone with as many dimensions as himself and it's confusing him terribly.

I've given up spying on the flat stranger for today but I fervently hope he is back tomorrow. I'm growing quite fond of him - maybe he can move in with us. The woman says she needs him for the front of the barn to indicate that a lot of shoveling goes on inside, but it's not gravel being shoveled.


Buddy said...

Jack - great coat - I like the plaid - mine is plain ole navy blue - no character at all - but it does keep me warm and dry - I don't even run around when my woman is trying to put it on or take if off like I used to.

Does Molly have a nice pink coat??


billie said...

Sheaffer, please let Jack know he looks quite dashing in his new sport coat. You marching through the elements with your lovely fur and no coat is simply more evidence of your excellence.

Your story of the Flat Man is riveting. I hope you get the chance to do more observing and reporting today!

ponymaid said...

buddy, it sounds like your woman picked a sensible navy blue for your coat - the colour of a regimental blazer. Jack loves his coat but I feel he looks a bit like an aluminum siding salesman. Molly desperately wants a coat, particularly a pink one, but she has such a thick coat of her own that the woman feels she would be parbroiled in there. The other day the woman was grooming her and she had to remove a solid line of ice that had formed in the channel on Molly's back. That girl is insulated!

billie, I passed your words on to Jack and he is positively smirking. I vow to remain clad only in my home-grown fur coat even if hades does freeze over. That seems like a good possiblility this year. I'm sorry to say the Flat Man has been carried off in the back of a truck. I never even got the chance to say goodbye. I'm convinced that with enough staring I could eventually have pried a few words from him.

Buddy said...

I understand about Molly - I have quite a fur rug going on as well but my woman insists on the blanket - I don't really mind and it does keep me quite toasty. She checks on me periodically through the nite and tests to see if I'm too warm - so far - I'm quite comfy.

I guess I have the ivy league thing going on - navy jacket with the tan pants er legs.

Tell Molly I send my love.


Dougie Donk said...

I completely empathise with Jack on the need for a coat. I believe our warm climate origins simply demand that we have a little extra assistance when the people demand that we cope in sub zero tempratures.

I'm afraid that trying to get a few words out of the flat man was bound to be a lost cause - I have been trying to converse with a flat horse for the past year, to no avail!

Buddy, I do hope you will humour your Scottish friends - the pattern of Jack's coat is really not "plaid" it's "tartan" :)) The plaid is the bit of tartan worn over the shoulder by the Highlanders.

Buddy said...

Thanks Dougie - being an american quarter horse I don't have a clue as to plaid or tartan - so thanks for the lesson.

So for Christmas I'm gonna ask Santa Horse for a Tartan blanket!


ponymaid said...

Buddy, we enjoyed your description of your blue blazer and tan leggings! Molly wants to know, when you do get your new blanket (horse kilt) do you plan to be traditional and wear nothing under it? Honestly, that mare.

Dougie, I'm interested to hear that you have stumbled across the Flat Man's steed and that he is equally linear and silent. How mysterious. They must have quietly infiltrated the planet while no one was looking. I'm sorry to say my new friend was picked up like a starched pancake and driven away.

One Hypo said...

I think he looks good in that coat.

Buddy said...

Sheaffer - tell Molly I will be going comando as I always do - she is such a hussy - I just love her!

ponymaid said...

Hello One Hypo, I will pass on your compliments to the two clothes horses - they're both very pleased with their outfits. Doc doesn't know yet that his new heavier winter blanket is a fetching shade of mauve. He will be mortified and Molly will be green with envy, Stay tuned...

Buddy! How risque! You and Molly are cut from the same cloth (pardon the bad pun).