Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Portrait Of The Donkey As A Young...Reindeer?

Today started off quite well. The wind was minimal, the ice has been covered by a few centimetres of fresh snow and the sun actually made an appearance. We had our breakfast served in front of the barn so we could enjoy the token warmth and the woman said over her shoulder as she made for the house "this is Christmas photo day, so don't roll in anything horrible".

Photo day, I thought, hmmm, this might prove interesting. I envisioned someone like Cecil Beeton or Josef Karsh showing up with dignified seasonal props - an ermine cape or a few yards of red velvet. I would pose, resplendent against a snowy backdrop, captured for the ages as the ideal of what a festive donkey should look like. What a fool I was. I should know by now not to allow myself to be taken in by someone like the woman, whose bad taste is surpassed only by her feeble sense of humour.

Around noon she emerged from the house, laden down with all sorts of nonsensical looking items. I felt a strange foreboding. She proceeded to put something like a festive dunce cap on Doc's head, fastening it with her own hairclip because of Doc's extreme lack of mane hair. He was very pleased and mugged for the camera like the Grade A ham that he is. She then fastened a ridiculous badge to Molly's forelock - you can read the message for yourselves in her photo. I find it highly distasteful and refuse to give it any room on this page. Molly just smirked and said she hoped it could be read as far away as Nevada. That girl does NOT need to be advertising her charms to the world at large.

And then...oh the indignity. Jack and I were sunning against the cedar hedge in the front paddock when she tracked us down and began affixing what appeared to be comic antlers to our heads. The best Jack could manage was a one ear forward pose, saying something about not biting the hand that feeds him. I left hastily but she caught me in front of the barn and put BOTH sets of antlers on my head. I just hope my new friends, especially the Regional Dean at the Anglican church, don't see me thus covered in shame and embarrassment and antlers.

So, no dignified elder statesmen of the professional photographers guild to take our portraits, just herself with her modern excuse for a camera. If she's going to make me look like a circus freak, she might as well invite Diane Arbus over for the day. The woman just laughed and said it's too bad Ansel Adams is no longer with us because he was used to taking photos of large geographical features - and then she looked pointedly at my waistline. I forbade her to publish these travesties - you can see how far that got me.


OzArab said...

Gosh you Northern Hemisphere blokes do it differently up there! I still try to imagine what "snow" is like. My human just told me to be grateful we don't get it. Thankfully she hasn't made me wear such silly ornaments. The worst I have is the new fly mask that covers my ears as well. I've given in to letting her put it on me because it does keep the nasty flies away. Honestly though, I think you are a saint sometimes.
Feel free to visit. :)

billie said...

Oh, Sheaffer, it is not so bad as it seems. Regardless of the antlers, you look quite handsome and distinguished. She cannot take that away no matter WHAT she puts on your head!

Jack looks quite happy, and Doc and Molly both seem pleased with their "looks."

I confess when I think of a Christmas portrait of YOU, I see some sort of well-made woolen cape with a nice satin edge, in a deep burgundy color to set off your gray.

Maybe a small leather ottoman on which you could rest a front hoof. A festive tray resting nearby with silver and some colorful and tasty snacks for apres-photo.

In any case, you all look so nice and CLEAN. The crew here are coated in mud, from all the rain and mucky pastures. I brush and brush and they roll and roll. The thought of keeping them clean long enough to take portraits is beyond me.

Dougie Donk said...

Oh mercy, how demeaning!

Hopefully, as the weather warms a little, (we are back to extreme precipitation instead of sheet ice)your woman will recover from her hypothermic fugue & begin to treat you with a little dignity once more!

In the meantime, I can only suggest that you maintain the moral high ground in refusing to participate in such unbecoming posing for attention.

Buddy said...

Oh Sheaffer - you and Jack look great. Molly is gorgeous of course - but I can't read what the thingy says. The Christmas Floozie - MY Christmas Floozie.

robert5721 said...

Hold on a minute bud....Sir Winston Churchill in deer antlers is STILL Sir Winston Churchill..after THE WOMAN is gone, and you and Jack move into the house, you can look at the photo albums and laugh at the giddyness of it all !! You must begin to simply dispense some poetic license to the woman, and play along with this christmas thing..for a GOOD REASON !! If she remains in a FESTIVE MOOD she will deliver all sorts of good things to eat on christmas day, and under no circumstances do you want to mess up THAT one, so just play along..Mr Jack has the right idea on this one, so listen to him !!
Your Bud and Advisor,
Mr Gale
P S .. Molly will be the new Bettie Paige of the horse world, and THAT GIRL MADE MILLIONS....make friends with her now, before she gets rich and famous !!

ponymaid said...

OzArab, I have added new pictures of the horrors we must endure. Not only ridiculous head gear but even more ridiculous snow storms. Sigh. I can barely remember what my fly mask looks like...

Oh Billie, how well you know me! I have memorized your paragraph describing how you see me in the festive season - it's all I have to keep me going. I loved the photos of Team R&R walking in the snow-free, twig-filled woods. Redford reminds me very much of myself as a young donkey.

Dougie, I have always hoped that as she grew longer in the tooth she would leave behind this seasonal nonsense. But no. If anything, it's getting worse. I can see myself in years to come clad in a full Santa suit, or a head-to-toe reindeer suit or possibly worse...

Buddy, the Molly Floozie insisted I include a close-up of the terrible badge thingy - it's just below her other photo. Put your sunglasses on before viewing.

Mr. Gale - as always you have allowed me to see the silver lining. We fervently hope this costume charade will guilt her into handing over vast quantities of Christmas cheer in all it's many forms. Bettie Paige? I have not heard of her personally but the idea of Molly being rich and famous is absolutely terrifying. Cyndi Lauper/Paris Hilton on the loose in Mount Albert. Oh my.

Buddy said...

Hay Sheaffer - tell Molly I'm on my way to where ever it is you all live - I want my kisses and I want them soon.

XXOO to Molly my Sweet Floozie