Imagine my delight when the woman tied a huge haynet to a beam in our run-in this morning. The only flaw was that it was too high for me to reach. That's when she explained that she had actually done it on purpose so I could only have access to the bits that fell on the ground. She said that, furthermore, it was part of an ongoing scheme to control my weight! The unmitigated gall of the woman.
I pondered deeply for a while and realized that the haynet is made of some sort of cotton rope, which lends itself to easy chewing. I applied myself to the task and in no time had a gaping hole in the bottom of the evil thing and a huge cascade of hay engulfed my head. My victory was shortlived. In came the woman and called me a calculating saboteur and said I looked like I was wearing a very bad wig. Never a moment's peace around here - you think she would have congratulated me on my ingenuity.
While she was trying to knot the haynet back together she brought up numerous other instances where my creativity has been met with her disapproval. The wheelbarrow handles that I chewed down to toothpicks, the bridle that I remodelled, the doortrim that I removed - blahblahblah. She even bought a "Best Friends" anti-grazing muzzle that she uses occasionally. It's a hideous basket-like contraption that keeps me from enjoying the best of the spring grass - and any other tasty morsels (like leather tack).
I'm in negotiations with Cruiser to move to her house- I'll do a bit of light housework in exchange for a life free from nagging and recriminations. I'll update as plans evolve.